This may be long, but it is two stories interwoven. I hope you'll read to the end for the connection.
After Katie died last October, I wondered . . . how do I do this? How do I get up each morning and fix breakfast for my other kids? How do I fill my day instead of just wandering around my house? How do I take steps forward? How do I heal? Yes, I am regularly seeing a counselor. Yes, I know exactly who to call and whose door to knock on when I cannot speak through sobs. Yes, some days I did (and still do) just sit in nothingness. But I know me. I know I function better when I am active -not avoiding, but active. I don't know how to deal with the death of a child, but I know I deal better with other life stressors when I run. So I decided that when I could not do anything else, I would make myself run. The cemetery is one mile from my house. One mile there, one mile back. I could do that. I had not ran much over the past year of Katie's illness, so that's all I would ask of myself. And so it began. When grief threatened to take me under, I would run the mile to the cemetery, sometimes sitting there for a long time before the return trip. After some time, I found that occasionally I wanted to run but didn't need to visit the cemetery, so I would take a different loop. My neighbor knew that if she saw me go left out of the neighborhood, it was a rough day. If I went right, it was a better day. Maybe not great, but better. Then one day, my friend convinced me to train for a race. Now keep in mind that I don't race to win, I race to train. It's the training that is good for the body, the mind, the emotions, even the will. It is the discipline of training that can provide focus and purpose when the rest of life has very little. Running clears my head. It is a reset button. Sure, sometimes I pray. But mostly I think about nothing. Or everything. Some runs are sweet little getaways. Some days I pound the pavement as if every step is a fist being thrown at cancer or God or Satan or whoever happens to be the adversary du jour. Somehow, running has become part of my healing. Well, running and boxing - like I said, sometimes it just feels really good to hit something. At some point during a long run, I decided that I needed a TeamKatie race shirt to go with all of this training. The shirt should be similar, but not the same. We are still all about Katie's story, but the story is different now. After a lot of thought and discussion, the shirt was printed for the race. Now, for the second story. Early June 2017. Katie was very ill. She had just a CT scan showing worsening of the cancer in her lungs and the mass in her chest continuing to grow to the point of putting pressure on her great vessels. Tylenol was given around the clock with fevers returning before the next dose was due. Multiple times throughout the day and night, she would have coughing fits that were only relieved with vomiting. She had went back on oxygen continuously and had also begun IV nutrition because of her poor intake and electrolyte imbalances. Chemo had recently been aborted as it had proven to be completely ineffective against her Hodgkins. Immunotherapy infusions had just begun and full lung radiation treatments were getting ready to start. She would be back in the ICU within a few days. It was during this time that I had a thought. A dream? A vision? It didn't feel like any of those. I even wrote in my journal that it was not strong enough to describe it as being from God, and yet, looking back, I would definitely say it was the quiet voice of God. My impression consisted of a very clear sense of Katie speaking to me from Heaven and saying: "It's okay, Mommy. It was worth it. It was worth it." Honestly, in the week following, it was absolutely the only thing that brought me comfort. The only thing I held onto. Every day, as I asked God some really hard questions with no answers that made sense to me, I heard her voice saying those words. And for the following months, even as the new treatments brought improvement, the same words played on repeat in my head. Circle back to this past fall, to my running and feeble attempts to process my life at this point. As I am perusing Katie's journals one day, I find the words: the prize is JESUS it's WORTH it!! don't give up, trust God The reference she connected to these words is I Corinthians 9:24. Don't you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. (I Corinthians 9:24-26) Can you see that? Can you even believe that? I refuse to label that as coincidence. Just as I wrote in my last post, I claim that and allow it to build my faith. Can I look back at Katie's struggles and death and say it was worth it? Hell no. But she can. She can. From her current viewpoint, I honestly believe that she would say to me, "It's okay, Mommy. It was worth it!" So last weekend, I ran the half marathon for which I had been training. It was a challenging race. 13.1 miles in the rain through grassy fields, rutted gravel roads, single track trails, mile long asphalt hills, mud and standing water. I did not win any prize other than a piece of pizza and a foam roller to my calves. But I ran to win that prize. I was disciplined. I ran with purpose in every step. I passed people in the last half mile. I met my time goal. And you know what, in the end, it was worth it. All the training. All the soreness. All the long runs and the squats and the sweaty clothes. I don't regret it. And while it's a poor comparison, one day I will stand with my arm around Katie as I smile and say, "Yep, you're right, girl. It was worth it." Philipians 3:14. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Blessings, Sarah
3 Comments
Shannon Louk
5/30/2018 09:51:07 am
Thank you for always blessing me with your honesty and your faith. Well done on your race – your training! I believe only a lack of faith or perhaps a lack of reflection can cause one to point to coincidence when many times it’s our Father imparting wisdom or comfort. Praying always!
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Jennifer
5/31/2018 02:28:36 pm
I follow your blog and have for some time. I've always wanted to say I think you should put these in a book. The way your words grab at you as if coming off the page is amazing. I know there would be so many people who would benefit from your words. My mother lost a child age 15, I was too young to remember. I dont know how she did it nor how you do it. Continued prayers for your family and you. There is no earthly love greater then that of a mother.
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Beth Kutcher
6/11/2018 11:30:01 pm
I am astounded though I shouldn't be, by how blessed I have been by your story. Your struggle and your pain and your peace and your joy and God's purpose and grace through it all. I am reminded that his grace is sufficient for us all and his biggness is big enough for us all. Thank you for sharing your struggle and God's glory in this victory ❤️
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