I have learned a few things about myself over these past couple years. As I have slowed down enough to reflect, ask, ponder, read and listen, I have learned to care for myself in ways I never would have before. I am still learning so much, but may I share with you a few components of my healing? These steps have allowed me to continue moving forward despite my chronic heartache.
1. No should-ing. If the thought in my head is "I should . . ." I generally let go of that thought without action. I don't should. I do lots of things for others out of love and care, but I try very hard not to do things because of an unnecessary obligation placed on me by myself or by someone else. I am responsible for my decisions and actions, but I am not responsible for others' interpretation of them. No shoulds. 2. I give out of my capacity and not my deficit. This goes hand-in-hand with #1. I love to call, encourage, text, invite, bake, visit and whatever else, but only when I have cared for myself enough to have the capacity to care for others. When I am empty (be it physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually), it is not wise for me to continue to give to others. Love your neighbor as you love yourself (Matthew 22:39) means I have to love and care for myself so that I can love and care for others. Good stewardship says I give what I have - not what I don't. 3. My soul craves time with God. When I started really giving my soul what it needed, it flourished. This time of quiet sitting, listening and just being with God has propelled the intimacy of our relationship in ways I never previously experienced despite years of church attending and Bible study. I have found it to be so invaluable that I will get up at whatever time it takes in order to give my soul the time with God that it craves. 4. I do it for the endorphins. That's what my favorite workout shirt says and it is TRUTH. Endorphins are powerful mood boosters and feel-better hormones that our body naturally produces through various activities. For me, those endorphins flow freely with strenuous exercise. So I run, box, jump rope, lift weights, hit things, push, pull, squat, burpee or whatever I have to do to get the endorphins I need. I know exactly how long my body can go without them before the anxious feelings and depressed mood begin to build and I begin to deteriorate. So, yep, I do it for the endorphins. 5. I can do hard things. This has become somewhat a mantra of mine. My kids hear it all the time. When we are faced with situations that are hard, our first instinct is to quit. I can't do it. I'm tired. I just can't go anymore. It's too hard. These are the things I used to say. But I have learned that I can. I can give just a little more. I can do one more push up. I can go one more mile. I can learn it. I can finish it. I can get out of bed. Whatever it is, I can do it. Because I know that I can do hard things. 6. I choose to live. All the days ordained for me were determined before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16). I do not choose the number of my days on this earth, but I choose how to live them. Some days . . . some moments . . . life on this earth is not my favorite. Sometimes the pleasure becomes obstructed by the work . . . the sadness . . . the ugliness . . . the injustice . . . the brokenness . . . the ongoing and after-effects of grief. Yet I have a choice to make in that. I can choose to simply exist in this world for the days ordained for me. Or I can choose to live - with purpose, with love, with ambition, with excitement, with hope and with joy. And I choose to live.
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It has been a week full of soccer and Jesus for us. Big Kick Soccer Camp is what our church does every summer in place of a traditional Vacation Bible School, and we coached and directed and participated in various ways. The week was full of fun - yet also full of memories. Honestly, I love when that happens. Sure, I cry sometimes, but I wouldn't trade the opportunity to remember Katie for anything. Katie loved Big Kick! As a camper, she loved to hang with her friends as well as the older girls who coached her. She loved the evening they served watermelon for snack, and she loved the ice cream at the end of the week. She loved the sunshine and rolling up her sleeves to get more of it. When she was old enough to volunteer as a coach, she absolutely loved the kids she led. Big Kick was one of her favorite weeks of the year. I would love for you to read Matt's story and how he met Katie at soccer camp several years ago. My first year as a Big Kick soccer coach I was paired up with Katie. This humble, sweet, cute, little 11 year old-ish girl and me, 30 something guy out to coach 4 years old’s. Now keep in mind, I’ve played the game for 30 years, and I’ve previously coached little kids soccer, so I didn’t have any worries. Katie, on the other hand, had never really coached, however she understood the game and was eager to help. So the first day Katie and I meet, and we get our kids and off we go. Before you know it, day one was over and, in my head, a real sense of accomplishment. No kids got hurt, we had some fun and worked as hard as a 4-year-old was willing to. Day two. Just as smooth as day one. The kids are happy, no one got hurt and everyone having a good time. Off we go; another successful day at Big Kick. Then comes day three, based off the first two days everything seemed normal to me. It’s nice outside, and the kids are having fun chasing a soccer ball. Things are good and, frankly, to this point I kind of drove the practices with Katie’s help. And in my opinion she and I had this all under control. Then came snack time... Katie and I were walking back with our kids and their snacks, she looked at me and said, “you know we are supposed to be having 'God time' after snack, right?” Apparently, I didn’t read the cliff notes and she surely saw the terrified look on my face, that I had failed as a Big Kick coach. I mean for me I didn’t want to discuss God aloud, not to mention effectively to anyone including a 4-year-old. I had just barely gotten involved in church and am learning about God myself. Katie looks at me and says, "I’ll take care of God time, you just coach soccer." I immediately made a deal with an 11 year old. I love that Matt shared this story with us. It leads me to remember so much of who Katie was. Enthusiastic. Kind. Patient. Full of love. Full of life. And full of God. Chad and I both paused several times this week as we thought about our girl at soccer camp. We have learned to walk - sometimes run - toward the places and events that flood us with those memories. Is it hard? Absolutely. But it draws me close to Katie. And Katie draws me close to God. And that is totally worth the hard. |
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