I remember when my kids were babies and their ages were counted in months because each month represented such a large portion of their life. Somewhere around 2 1/2 -3 years old, life became counted in years. Well, we are back to counting in months. 6 months. Katie has been dead for 6 months. My insides wrench with simply typing that sentence.
So I would like to speak to what we need at this point. This point when life moves faster for others than it does for me. When people sometimes think that grieving should be finished and life should move on. Sometimes I even think that. I chide myself for not making forward progress. I told Chad just the other day, "I do all the things I have learned to do to help myself. I run, I cry, I talk, I write. Yet there is no equation. Some days I feel better, but some days I still feel worse than I did before." I hate that, but it is the un-linear process of grief, traumatic in itself as if the first trauma was not enough. Here is what we need (and the books I have read indicate these are fairly common so may apply to others who are grieving as well): - Say her name. Katie. Say what happened. Katie died. We all know it. We don't have to talk it about it all the time, but there is no reason to intentionally avoid the conversations. Avoidance can be a lot more painful than talking about someone I love so much. - Share your memories. If you think of Katie spontaneously one day, send a text or email or (even better) give us a call. All we have now are memories and we love hearing that you have them too. They are so precious to us. We even have a book in our kitchen that you can write your memory in when you stop by because we don't want to forget. - Don't be afraid of emotion. Mine or yours. When you talk to me, sometimes you may cry and I may not (tears are fairy unpredictable) or I may well up with emotion just in gratitude that you are willing to be present for us. The tears are almost always close to the surface and perhaps your conversation just allows for their release. Of course, there are other emotions as well. We may laugh together as we remember or you may see me suddenly become really angry. It has taken a good deal of counseling, but I am learning to be okay with these things called human emotions. - Be genuine. Ask. Listen. Encourage. We have a long way to go before we feel "normal" again. So many things are both really hard yet really good at the same time. I am learning to allow for these two seemingly opposing feelings to co-exist because, honestly, I believe the rest of my life may be both really hard yet really good. For those interested, we have uploaded Katie's service to youtube (see link below). Be forewarned that it is neither quick nor easy, and it took place in a packed gymnasium with poor acoustics. But it is awesome. Every time I hear the song "Glorious Day," I hear the sound of everyone in that gym shouting. Because that is how you celebrate a life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Zh6LklnP6I&t=5s Blessings, Sarah and Chad and Forever Cobb 7
11 Comments
Shelley
4/22/2018 08:36:25 am
Beautiful words. Thank you for sharing your heart, your pain, your hope, your sad, your anger, your everything. Thank you for loving so transparently in a world that doesn’t know how to do that. Thank you for inviting us to care for you. Love you so much!
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Tamara
4/22/2018 09:36:20 am
I needed to read this today. It is the 1 yr anniversary of joe’s Dads death. Better words could not have explained grief. Thank you for letting us in your lives and letting us love you.
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Doris Graley
4/22/2018 09:32:19 am
I have followed Katie’s story although I don’t know you. My heart breaks for you as I lost a son 14 years ago. The needs that you need are still my needs. I urge your friends, Katie’s friends, and your family to talk to you - tell you the funny things, the naughty tricks, the loving things, ...she did...share her memories. Laughing is hard but you will get there. Thank you for sharing as it reminds me of my needs.
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Donetta
4/22/2018 11:46:16 am
We love you
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Mindy
4/22/2018 03:05:38 pm
This is what people need to know. Most of us feel inadequate when it comes to saying the right things. Even if we’ve lost a loved one and know the things we want to hear, we still shy away from upsetting an already grieving parent, spouse, etc.. The Cobb family are loved and while so many have rallied around to love and comfort your family there are so many that are still learning how to be a friend and comforter. Thanks for sharing and letting us know what you need. Katie, whether we knew her personally or not, is still vividly in our memories. She touched her church family, her community and many others all over the country. Each time I see any of the Cobb family I am reminded of your constant hurt but I also see inspiration and love. The same love that raised Katie to be the beautiful young lady she was. Continued prayers for healing.
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Shelli McMillion
4/22/2018 03:28:52 pm
This is so beautiful and heartfelt. You’re an amazingly strong Mom. Just getting up and breathing after the lose of a child must be extremely difficult. You’re blessed that God is such a big part of your life. Through him, his love, & your deep relationship with God you will heal. It won’t be fast. It will never be fully healed. Life will never Be exactly the same. However, because of your faith you know Katie no longer suffers and she lives in the presence of The Holy Spirt.
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Robin gatens
4/25/2018 01:36:25 pm
Bless your hearts I think of you all often An pray for you I ask god to wrap his loving arms around you all.
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Tim n Bev
4/22/2018 05:14:42 pm
Well said! Prayers continue 🙏🙏🙏
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Helen
4/22/2018 06:27:47 pm
WE love you! I was driving home from DC this AM and Glorious Day came on the radio. I did sing out loud in the car and was reminded of Katie..Hugs to you, Chad and the family.
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Patty Tabor
4/22/2018 09:23:10 pm
Your sweet Katie is greatly missed because she was greatly LOVED. Thank you for sharing your feelings so eloquently even though it must be very difficult. May God renew your strength each day as you have need.
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Terry
4/25/2018 04:19:46 pm
Say her name. Katie. Tell stories about Katie. I think these are wonderful ideas and having the memory book for others to write and remember is wonderful. I hate that Katie is not here. While I read your posts and feel so deeply for your pain, I appreciate the honesty.
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