"How are you?" So many people ask me that. Some ask it simply in greeting. Others ask it with intention, willing to hear the truth. Kudos to those of you who are willing to go there because you never know what you may get. Perhaps it is a good day, and we can laugh and smile as we chat. On the other hand, I can be a mess at times. I might dump one of my buckets on you. Anger. Fear. Restlessness. Irritability. Identity crisis. Despair. The buckets aren't always full, but any one may be full at any time, spilling on you, me, or all over the floor around us. They can be a challenge to clean up. I don't always know - and you definitely don't - so thanks for being willing to really ask.
So how are we? Let me see if I can honestly answer that. We desperately miss our Katie! We have a big hole in our family and we feel it every day. Every meal. Every room. Every time Daniel giggles because Katie loved his laugh. Every time Annie goes to bed on the couch because she can't bear to sleep beside an empty bed. Every time I see her basket of clothes still sitting in the laundry room. Every time I set the table for 6. Every time I think about sending her a text or a funny video. Every time I go to the store and see Haribo gummy bears, watermelon, an ICE drink, and so many other things. Every time I hear her favorite songs, see her friends, feel something soft and fuzzy. Her backpack sits in my bedroom, her favorite scent beside my bath, her coat in the closet. It never, ever, ever goes away. On top of that, reality is starting to set in. Katie isn't coming back to this world. That may seem odd to acknowledge, but sometimes I am acutely aware of it in a way that I wasn't before. Even though I spent lots of time with her, my kids spent long periods of time away from her. I hate to say it, but in some ways they got used to her being gone. But she should have been home by now. For better or worse, I don't know, but we are all coming to realize that the years are going to feel very long without her. While we continue to laugh and celebrate together, every happy moment has grief tacked on at the end. This week was a super celebratory week at our house, and yet I spent a significant part of it fighting back depression. Aaron had his "Sour 16" birthday (as Annie called it) and got his driver's license. Katie would have been so excited for him and yet would have teased him mercilessly about taking his exam. They had talked for years about combining their savings toward the purchase of a car, so her savings money was part of his gift. On Thursday, Annie participated in the County Spelling Bee, where Katie had appeared twice. She was so nervous and yet so proud to honor her sister in that way. On Sunday, Annie will be baptized. She had originally planned for June but Katie was in Cincinnati, so she waited until October but then our world crashed. Hopefully Sunday will be her day. It's happy, with a side of deep sadness. Joy in the midst of grief. It's like nothing I can explain. All in all, we continue to take small forward steps. We still laugh and smile. We enjoy our favorite meals at the table. We talk about her in natural conversation at home. When we pray, we often ask God to tell Katie how much we love her. We also cry, lose our patience, and grouch at one another. We try to distract ourselves but spend time alone as well. Honestly, it's just really hard most days, even when it's good. Going forward, we hope to continue to make occasional blog posts. We both write a lot, mostly for ourselves, but sometimes we are willing to share a few thoughts for those who are interested. We may transition to another site as we veer away from only posting regarding Katie, and we will announce that once we decide. Thanks again for walking alongside us. Thanks for loving and giving of yourselves in ways that are both tangible and intangible. Thanks for asking. And thanks to those of you who have helped me clean up my spilled buckets. Blessings, Sarah, Chad and Forever Cobb 7
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