I have 3 brothers who are all into extreme sports as hobbies. It started many years ago with skateboarding, then wake boarding, snow boarding, and mountain biking. Now they do rock climbing and wake surfing - with their preschoolers in tow. My youngest brother recently climbed Yosemite's El Capitan in a 19 hour time frame. Crazy. On occasion, I don't mind a little adrenaline rush myself, but I prefer it to be accompanied by some semblance of control. For instance, I love white water rafting and have been down the New and Gauley Rivers many times - in a boat, with a guide, wearing a life jacket. I never gained enough mastery over those other extreme activities to convince myself that I was not completely and utterly out of control, so I never learned to enjoy them.
Truth is, I like to be in control. I like it when life ensues the way I plan. And most days, that's how it rolls. I put it on the calendar and it happens. I am the alarm clock. I say when we stay, when we go, and when we eat. I manage the menu, the store list, the schedules, the chore list, the routines, some facilities, many of the purchases and parts of the budget. I refer to my role in the Cobb 7 as Chief Operations Officer. So it was very difficult when that was taken from me last year. Very difficult. When Katie was flown to Cincinnati, I could not think clearly. I hate to not be able to think clearly. A friend asked if she could help with the kids, so I gave her contact numbers for a few close friends and family and she took over. I looked at another friend and said, "I need to be in Cincinnati when Katie arrives. Chad needs to stay in Charleston until she leaves. We only want to have one of our vehicles there. Figure that out and make it happen." He did, and I just followed what he suggested. For the following months, not only did I watch helplessly as Katie fought this horrid disease, but I also listened helplessly to the needs of my kids at home. Friends signed permission slips and sent in field trip money. Neighbors mowed our grass. Family tucked my kids in at night. Dinner just showed up most days of the week at my house. There was almost nothing I could do about any of it from the position I was in. One of the ways people blessed us during that time was through grocery shopping. My standard mode of operation is to keep a running store list on the refrigerator at home, so my kids continued that practice and each weekend the list would be collected and the groceries delivered. As she unloaded boxes of sugar-laden breakfast foods and Little Debbie snack cakes, one friend told me, "I got everything on the list although I'm pretty sure it is not what you would normally buy." Whatever. As long as they ate, I did not care at that point, and I was super grateful for the way others cared for my family in my absence. One particular weekend, however, I broke. The significance of my lack of control struck me as I opened the refrigerator and saw a tub of butter. A great big tub of Blue Bonnet butter. All I could think was . . . that's not even the butter I buy. As I collapsed into a heap of tears on my kitchen floor, I realized I had lost complete control of my life. I couldn't protect my kids, sleep in my own bed, manage my house, pursue my career, encourage my husband, mow my grass, or even buy my own butter. I may say I believe that God is sovereign. But do I? Did I? God, you be sovereign over the "big things," and I'll be sovereign over everything else. That's not what I say, but sometimes that's how I live. At least, that's how I lived until I couldn't. Until I physically, emotionally, mentally could not control anything any longer. Until I picked my ugly-crying, can't-hold-it-together-anymore, exhausted self up off the floor and tapped out. That's it, God. I'm done. I can't do it. I won't fight you for the position anymore. I'll let go. You be God. I'm out. How do I really feel about the sovereignty of God? And how does that affect my every day? In Isaiah 46, God says, "I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say, ‘My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.' " For now, I am back to managing my household almost the same as before. But with a little less arrogance and a little softer grip on all of it. Because all that control I had before - it was just an illusion. Turns out I'm not God. Not even in the little things. Blessings, Sarah
13 Comments
Tim n Bev
6/12/2018 02:31:16 pm
We love all the Cobb family and still remember you all daily in our prayers. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
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JANE Hoover
6/12/2018 04:47:55 pm
Sarah, your writing is always so well-written and inspiring. You certainly have a gift. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
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Kathy Silber
6/12/2018 07:16:42 pm
Bless you and your family. You do not know how needed this blog was and is by so many Christians who are hurting just like you. Please don’t be afraid to share your struggles because God is using you and your blogs. I will keep your family in my prayers.
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Tonya
6/12/2018 08:11:48 pm
Thank you - I needed to hear this. I have been struggling with giving “issues”over to God. Relying on Him- not me. Your honesty and truthfulness is inspiring and a witness of Gods love for us all.
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Vanessa Higginbotham
6/12/2018 08:15:52 pm
"Let Go and Let God . . ." Is certainly not as easy as it sounds. You are amazing and an inspiration to many. God is using you in a mighty way! God Bless You!
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Kathy Aliff
6/12/2018 10:07:59 pm
Thank you for generously sharing your heart with us. I’m alwsys touched by your humility and willingness to grow. You encourage us all.
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Brenda Cobb
6/12/2018 10:27:25 pm
Bless your heart. I cannot even begin to imagine the earthly loss you have suffered. Your family remains in the daily prayers of so many who care. 🙏🙏
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Beth Kutcher
6/13/2018 12:16:00 am
Needed this in a big way ❤️ I am so sorry for your brokenness and so thankful for God's bigness in it.
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Shannon Louk
6/13/2018 08:53:23 am
Once again, your words speak to me. I’ve struggled with this very issue over the last few months. I often say I’m dropping things off with God instead of truly putting them down. If you just drop something off you’re likely to pick it back up at some point. I don’t pretend to know your struggle, but please know I’m praying for you.
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Donetta
6/13/2018 11:11:10 pm
Very inspiring. Thanks for sharing and teaching. Prayers always
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Robin gatens
6/15/2018 11:02:53 am
Extra hugs an prayers
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Sam &Amy
6/18/2018 03:00:20 pm
God Bless you!! We continue to pray for your family and your challenges. Sometimes it is not fair and we question why? One day we will understand and ALL questions will be answered. Keep the faith, keep looking up for he is coming soon!!!!!! One day soon!!!!!!
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Gina
7/15/2018 04:31:05 pm
Your words speak to me on many levels, Sarah. I am so thankful
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